Written by Ossurworld
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Sunday, 12 May 2013

If self-immolation were an option, the Red Sox would lead the charge with a lit match.

The latest victim of self-destruction hurdled himself headlong into the right field wall in a valiant (and some might say foolhardy) effort. Shane Victorino, already out with back problems earlier this season, seemed to have a death wish that would give Charles Bronson the chills.

Not since James Dean crashed his little Spyder have we seen such a breath-taking wreck of the Hesperas.

This comes on the heels of catcher David Ross throwing himself between the devil and the deep blue sea-better known as caught between the third-base wall and Will Middlebrooks who apparently hits like a ton of brooks.

Ross has been concussed and listed as dubious for seven days. The next time we expect locust and boils.

Middlebrooks already is carrying the world on his sternum, with separated tissue no less. Next time he had better order the two-ply extra-strength tissue.

If the Sox injury list continues like this, we will start to refer to the Sox ownership as the great Pharoah. How many plagues can he bring upon his own house?

The way the season is starting to go the Sox may lose both their ace closers. Wait! You mean it has already happened?

What's next? Conditions have gone from bad to worse when Jacoby Ellsbury is the healthiest member of the starting lineup.

Give David Ortiz another day of rest, lest he start to kick up his heels.

We now see Mike Napoli's necrosis of the hips as the new common cold.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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