Written by E. Lee Zimmerman
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Topics: Gay, NBA, Jason Collins

Wednesday, 1 May 2013

WASHINGTON, DC - Averaging one point a game, promising NBA star and budding homosexual Jason Collins needed to do something - something fast - if he was going to extent his time in the limelight.

"Look, you can't do that I do or see all that I see or be what I am when you only get off the bench to play six games a year," Collins admitted in a recent interview to LGBTESPN-TV to be aired this coming Memorial Day weekend. "Besides, I do all of that for the Washington Wizards. You know? The Washington Wizards? Ever heard of them? No? Most folks haven't. So I sat down with Wizards management and asked, 'What can I do to draw more attention to myself?' Because, at the end of the day, it's all about me, after all."

Collins recently outted himself as a man-who-likes-other-men, long considered to be the 'Kiss of Death' to the career of any professional sports player. Now, he's being flooded with contract offers, celebrity congratulations, and even more fruit baskets than one man should legally be allowed to receive.

"I've been called by President Obama," Collins confessed. "He's asked me head-up a task force on global warming. I've been called by Vladimir Putin. He's asked me if I'd intervene on this whole nuclear crisis with North Korea. And I've been called by Ryan Seacrest. He asked me if I'd have dinner and go dancing with him next Thursday. I'll probably pass on that, though, 'cause I don't wanna give a man the wrong idea, you know."

Hoping to finally put to rest all of these rumors of his actually being homosexual, Collins clarified that his 'coming out of the closet' was a stipulation of his contract extension with the Washington Wizards.

"Like I said, I average one point a game," he went on. "One point. One. A single one. That's more than, say, Joe Biden, but he's not even a player in the NBA. One. A single, stinking point. So, yeah, I'd say I was gay if it would get me an interview with Oprah. Have you seen her? That b*tch is fine!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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