Written by E. Lee Zimmerman
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Wednesday, 1 May 2013

NEW YORK, NY - NHL Media Advisor Roger 'Stiff' Babcock knows that, in today's media-driven culture, hockey has long taken a backseat to the NFL. And the NBA. And the WNBA. And NASCAR. And the MMA. Even the WB. But now Babcock sees a future wherein the NHL can no longer worry about playing second, third, fourth, or fifth fiddle by capitalizing on the trend of outing homosexual players.

"When NBA star Jason Collins came out of the closet, I figured we were in for yet another decade of dwindling television ratings and merchandising deals that we operate on a financial loss," Babcock said. "I knew we had an uphill battle, but now we were facing a hill the size of Mount Everest … and that's when it hit me. Two words: 'gay' and 'draft.' Put 'em together, and what do you get? 'Gay draft.' That's how the NHL is gonna put itself back on top."

Figure skaters have long been the brunt of such predictable gay jokes. While Babcock can't prove the assumption that men who strap on pieces of steel and wear colorful sequins are, in fact, homosexual, he raises serious doubts about their heterosexuality.

"We're gonna have a 'Gay Draft,'" he insists, "and we're gonna invite members of every media outlet there. We're gonna require them to have cameras. We're gonna demand they air the 'Gay Draft' live. During prime time. On all the major networks. We're gonna have Tracey Morgan host the thing. We're gonna have costumes and skating and open, frank discussions of their sexuality, and I guaran-damn-tee you that's gonna put the NHL back in business so far as this media man is concerned."

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