Written by Teddy Silver
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Wednesday, 1 May 2013

image for Ferguson is Sith Lord, FA report finds
"Anyone transferring to Manchster Utd this summer will also be joining the dark side..."

A report by the Football Association has accidentally stumbled across information indicating that Sir Alex Ferguson is a Sith.

The governing body was forced to launch an inquiry after various premiership clubs alleged that he had the ability to influence refereeing decisions by waving his arm around in a spooky manner and saying authoritatively "these aren't the droids you're looking for" in a drunk Scottish accent.

Manchester United's training centre staff are also said to have become suspicious when he made a whole roast dinner using only a lightsaber and fixed a power cut in the reserve team changing rooms by shooting lightning from his fingertips into a near by plug socket.

"At first we thought the accusations were unfounded - what with Star Wars being a fictional narrative about space incest," said FA representative Gareth Naboo.

"But we asked him to give us the team sheet for the fixture against Aston Villa and one of the documents he handed over included extensive plans for what appears to be a death star."

"There is also footage of him at a lay-by on the M25 duelling what was originally thought to be an elderly green dwarf with extreme martial arts experience. I'm not sure that's normal."

"When we checked his office we also found various brochures for package holidays to Tattoine, a photograph of princess Leia with her knockers out and an address for a Gungan brothel on the ice planet Hoth."

"We're finding clues all over the place now… It turns out he's been driving to the stadium in a pod-racer for the last couple of years. Everyone just assumed it was a fancy new hover-car invented by the Japanese or some shit."

"Also, his nose is quite purple and veiny - admittedly that may have no significance. I'd just like it on record that I find that weird."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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