Written by Teddy Silver
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Wednesday, 1 May 2013

image for Ivanovic is largely horse meat, claims Suarez

Sometimes footballer Luis Suarez has refreshed public concern regarding the quality of imported meat in the UK by claiming that that Branislav Ivanovic is at least 30% horse meat.

The Liverpool striker, who faced criticism this week for giving the Serbian defender rabies, has voiced his concern that both Chelsea FC and the Food Standards Agency (FSA) are not doing enough to ensure premiership players are ethically farmed.

"Both Chelsea and the FSA have continually failed in their duty to ensure foreign meat is well sourced and of an acceptable standard," Suarez said in a press conference.

"The love-bite I gave him was purely to prove a point."

"Firstly, to show people that my jaw has the vice-like grip of a rusty bear trap and could rip your arm from its socket faster than a demented shark with the munchies and, secondly, that there needs to be vast improvements made in how we regulate meat imported into the UK."

"Chelsea football club clearly hasn't followed FA importation policy in regards to its players and as a result I'm the one who has had to pay the price. I really don't think it's an exaggeration to say that Serb is more horse than Seabuscuit."

"We really need to clamp down on these issues before they come back to bite us in the arm. If the saying 'you are what you eat' is accurate then thanks to Ivanovic I'm now technically eligible for the Grand National."

Spokesperson of the FSA Gareth O'Toole said: "We apologise unreservedly to Luis Suarez. We were not aware that Ivanovic was not a free-range footballer and it has been confirmed that he was not ethically sourced. But to be fair to us we did not really expect a scenario in which players would be eating each other - it's very unfortunate."

"So if Suarez is going to continue chewing on the limbs of other premiership players we would recommend Gareth Bale who was sourced by a trustworthy lamb farmer in Wales and Juan Mata, who tastes fantastic in a homemade garlic-tomato sauce. I can assure him neither feature horse meat of any kind."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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