Written by Ossurworld
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Topics: Red Sox, David Ortiz

Sunday, 21 April 2013

With children and dignitaries sitting in attendance, the Red Sox allowed superstar David Ortiz to take the microphone to express his patriotism.

A naturalized citizen from the Dominican Republic, Ortiz has become more American than apple pie or Michelle Bachmann. So, he was a natural choice to speak over the reverberating public address.

Instead of sounding like Ricky Ricardo doing an imitation of Lou Gehrig, Ortiz and his passionate love for America turned into Lenny Bruce channeling George Carlin.

The Big Papi swore his allegiance to America with more than a swear; it was an epithet only a censor could love.

Fresh off the disabled list, ready for his first game, Ortiz told the kids in the park: "This is our f-----g city. And nobody is going to dictate our freedom." The interfaith panel of preachers visibly cringed amidst the standing O.

The new mantra of Boston in the post-Marathon world is "Boston Strong," apparently meaning strong language and strong drink.

The Sox GM may consider putting Ortiz's tongue on the disabled list. Granted that English is not his strong suit, making him the designated hitter for speechifying may have been like sending a pitcher up to bat for himself in the bottom of the ninth.

The more ironic and sarcastic of journalists present reported that Ortiz spoke poignantly and with a touch of salt on his palatable words.

No one questioned Papi's dedication and credentials. A few more erudite fans may have questioned his intelligence and etiquette.

Fear not: next time he will be on delayed tape with a bar of Lifebuoy Soap in his pocket to prevent anything akin to 'nipplegate' as performed by Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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