Written by E. Lee Zimmerman
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Topics: Gay, NFL

Friday, 5 April 2013

BALTIMORE, MD - Controversial Baltimore Daisies linebacker Chet 'Bendover' McHumphries continues to dispel his critics. No longer content to keep quiet on the subject of gays in the NFL, McHumphries insists that he envisions a future wherein an entire NFL team could 'come out of the closet.'

Wearing a pink chiffon blouse over stylishly tattered jeans, McHumphries issued his comments directly to members of the press following the Daisies all-nude scrimmage this past Monday.

"I don't want to distract from the hours and hours of hard, very hard work we're doing to get ready for the upcoming inaugural Daisies season," he said, "but facts is facts, and I think it's time that Americans embraced the reality that Gaydom is here, and it's here to stay. That's why I predict that we'll live to see the day when an entire NFL - coaching and staff included - will come out loud and proud as homosexual."

McHumphries caught the media's attention during the last NFL Draft when, after being selected as the Daisies No. 1 pick, he addressed the media wearing an all-paisley suit with a dark purple sash. At that time, he only sought to dispel rumors of his sexuality: sports reporters had long associated the linebacker as being a closeted 'gay' man.

"Am I gay? No," he told the crowd. "Do I want to be gay? No. Do I know for a fact that there are members of an NFL team who are gay? Maybe. Maybe they are gay. Maybe they're not. I said 'maybe' they're not. Could they be gay? Damn straight, they could be gay. Do I know it? No. But they could be, and that's all that really matters."

McHumphries wore white on Signing Day. He continued to underscore the likelihood that several - if not dozens - of NFL players could be homosexual as well as postulating the possibility that many more could be horti-sexual, the brazenly underground practice of engaging with coitus with plants.

"Again, I'm not saying for a fact that any quarterback of the New England Patriots whom I personally know is definitively hooked on sticking his meat pole between the roots of a Ficus tree," he stressed. "I'm only saying that there's a possibility. A strong possibility. And you can print that."

McHumphries maintains that should an entire NFL collectively 'come out' in favor of same-sex practices they shouldn't be treated any differently than any other functioning team in the league.

"It's all about being equal, people," he insists.

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