Written by Ossurworld
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Sunday, 10 March 2013

The ever-reliable MRI has shown that David Ortiz, Red Sox designated non-hitter, has two bad heels. The doctors seem to be saying to Big Papi, "Heel thyself."

Yes, this injury seems to have arisen from wearing 4-inch spike heels with his boa during the off-season. It couldn't be the result of wearing flip-flops for eight months.

For a man who has been resting his legs for eight months, it is disconcerting to say the least that rest and relaxation has contributed to a worsening of his condition.

What was that favorite saying of Bobby Valentine? Time wounds all heels.

Red Sox Manager John Farrell is already in mid-season form for blowing smoke up the kazoo of the media. He merely wants to give Ortiz peace-of-mind. So, he begs the media to give Ortiz plenty of space.

A two-year contract for $27 million cannot do that, but the beaches of Fort Myers for most of the cold spring might go a long way to helping the man who carries a big bat stay happily in media silence.

Already the Sox brass is insisting that Big Papi defer any public comments to the brain trust of the Sox. The team hardly needs the distraction of Ortiz in brain drain meltdown.

Big Papi needs to be shut down for a week or so. His golf cart may need a tune-up after all the use it has received during spring training.

If the David Ortiz saga has proven anything in Red Sox Nation, it is that their loyalty is strongest when it is someone else's name signing the paychecks.

Since Ortiz often swings from the heels at any pitched baseball, we may expect that he will learn to bunt during his convalescence.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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