UEFA head honcho Michelle Platypus, the Frenchman with the woman's name, has demanded an immediate investigation into Tottenham Horsespurs 3-0 win over Inter Milan in the Thursday night Eur-trypa League.
Only one of the three goals came from Spurs one-man team, Gareth Beale, long lost brother of Ian Beale from Walford. The wonderful welsh wingman who has scored 134% of the Norf London clubs goals in the last 10 games. The other scorers on the night were whatsisname and thingymabob.
Plato, who also played football 30 years ago before eating a horse and doubling in size, was furious that the one-man team shared the goals out, because UEFA were planning on marketing the one-man Bale as a one-man band for when the unbeatable Spuds make the final in Amsterdam.
Bale is the new Bieber - he plays when he wants sing the fans, but Bale will miss the second leg in Milan next week after a yellow card for 'simulation'.
Bale will spend his night off filming a new ITV programme with Tom Daley called Britains Best Divers.
Platini refused to comment when doorstepped by the Daily Mail photographers at Heathrow last night, mainly because he was stuffing his face with a 'Heathrow horse-burger' a souvenir of his visit to London.