Written by radiogagger
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Thursday, 28 February 2013

image for Rafa Benitez 'has a dossier on every single Chelsea fan'
Benitez watches a Chelsea fan on CCTV from his underground bunker

Rafa 'mad dog' Benitez was expected to be seen at Stamford Bridge for the last time this morning to clear his desk following his bizarre rant at Wednesday nights press conference after the 2-0 win over Middlesbrough in the FA Cup.

The fat Spaniard told fans to stop making banners about him and concentrate on the team, and he will be gone in the summer. He later told a close friend that he has a dossier on every single Chelsea fan.

Rumours swept social networks this morning that the former Liverpool manager has hacked the Chelsea ticket office database and was seen walking away from the offices with a USB stick in his hand. Another journalist claimed Benitez even employs a Private Eye who monitors ebay, gumtree and ticketmaster for unofficial Chelsea tickets sales, and also knows all the ticket touts in SW6 on a first name basis.

"He knows what pubs they drink in, what cars they drive, their twitter usernames and facebook pages. He knows what supermarket they shop at and whether they eat horse meat or are vegetarians. He knows where they buy the ink and banners they display at matches, and he even knows their tax codes and national insurance numbers. When 'Benny' wants to know something he goes the whole hog on research, he's even more in depth than Poroit or Morse.

Chelsea fans were against the appointment of Benitez from the beginning, following derogatory remarks he made about the club when in charge at Liverpool. If Benitez goes, Abramovitch will have to appoint a temporary caretaker interim manager. Benitez is the 142nd manager at Stamford Bridge since the Russian billionaire took over from Master Ken Bates in 2003.

Chelsea fan Dave Mears, a psychiatric nurse from Plaistow in East London today spoke out on the latest crisis down the Kings Road. "This is mental" he told TalkDork Radio.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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