Written by Asheville Jack
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Friday, 20 September 2013

image for "I've Permanetly Retired From Competitive Soccer" says Ex-Pope
"There is but one true goalie," is something many Cathloics believe

Rome - Catholic soccer fans are in shock today after Ex-Pope Benedict XVI said he is hanging up his cleats at the end of the season and would no longer compete in Vatican League soccer.

Benedict XVI, the leading scorer the last seven seasons for the Vatican team, said that at age eighty-five his legs were starting to give out and that apparently no more miracles were "forthcoming."

The Vatican soccer team known as the Latum Canes, which translates loosely as "Mud Dogs" in Latin, won the Catholic Church World Soccer Championship for the fifth consecutive year with His Holiness as both the team's leading scorer and goalie.

"It's quite miraculous," said head coach Cardinal Vitol Dramas, "the way His Holiness was able to slice through the other teams defenses," adding that it almost seemed like the other players were moving in slow motion. "He always scored, and those young Priests just couldn't stop him."

The Pope said he looks forward to finally retiring to Florida where he hopes to make a little extra money selling holy water to tourist.

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