Written by DP Whitehead
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Wednesday, 30 January 2013

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FIFA, the World governing body of soccer, announced today an immediate ban on flares at all World Cup matches, stating the ban was long overdue.

With the 2014 World Cup set to be staged in Brazil many see the ban as not only ensuring a safer environment for fans and spectators but as a step in the right direction as soccer moves forward into the 21st Century.

Spokesman Pedro Cortez said "Flares are not welcome in our stadiums, this fashion disaster should have died in the 1970's along with female facial hair and white dog poop. We will not tolerate flared jeans, trousers or any 'pant' that we consider old fashioned. Boot cut is also banned."

The ban on flares has created some concern for soccer fans from Eastern Europe who are worried that should Bulgaria, Poland or Hungary qualify for the finals in under two years time then their supporters would be excluded from attending games.

"Flares are very very popular in Sofia, Budapest and Warsaw" said former communist turned pimp, Ventislav Slavinkakov "Only yesterday I bought myself a pair of Levi 301's from my cousin Igor, they are good flares, flappy and they go well with my blue suede shoes. No fake jeans, genuine Levi 301's! I sell to you for eighty dollar!"

FIFA though will not relent.

"They are unsightly and pose a tripping hazard. Eastern Europeans and people from Hull in England need to either get themselves some fashion sense or they can forget about the World Cup!"

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