In an effort to meet the demands of co-owner Tom Werner who wants the team to show more sex appeal and provide more soap opera life stories to the pink hat brigade, the Marketing Department is scrambling to keep their jobs.
An inside expose, on a level with those from 60 Minutes, has revealed more secrets than found at Watergate by the Plumbers. These will be leaked weekly on a new Tom Werner produced series on NESN, Washing Their Dirty Sox.
Jose Iglesias will announce during the season that his imaginary girlfriend has run off with Manny Ramirez.
John Lackey will accidentally reveal a sexting scandal coming out of the Red Sox bullpen.
A mysterious media insider will plant a hidden camera in the Sox shower room and discover no one showers on the Sox.
Mike Napoli will have a booth on Yawkey Way where he will sell kisses for a dollar before every home game. This will augment his reduced salary.
Every week David Ortiz will travel to a Boston location and conduct Pilates classes for anyone interested in strengthening their Achilles' heel.
In another attempt to create a soap opera line of interest in the Red Sox, Dustin Pedroia will smash up the cameras of several paparazzi dressed like Munchkins that follow him to the park.
Red Sox programs will feature a centerfold of a centerfielder next to the box scorecards.
Rob Gronkowski will invite Will Middlebrooks to join him with his adult film star friends at an after hours party.
Red Sox starting pitchers will join the cast of male strippers in the sequel to Magic Mike.
Boston Mayor Tom Menino will introduce the opening day lineups at Fenway for the PA, to be broadcast live on ESPN.
The Sox will accommodate the mayor by playing every multiple syllabic name on the 25 man roster, including Saltalamacchia, Pedroia, Dempster and Hanrahan. Vegas oddsmakers will handicap Menino's performance as a likely disaster.