The BCCI officials met yesterday to discuss the future course of action after Pakistan thrashed India mercilessly. The meeting held in Mumbai was also attended by former and current good-for-nothing cricketers, Srinivasan's astrologer and exclusive BCCI photographer, who works part time for us.
India lost the series to Pakistan due to a combination of remarkable exhibition of swing bowling, bad luck and poor forms of their batsmen and umpires. Surprisingly, the BCCI has devised few breathtaking strategies against visiting England to avoid further humiliation.
"It has come against arch-rival Pakistan that makes this all more agonizing" said N. Srinivasan, while slowly crushing a Pepsi can which he was holding.
"Our youngsters lack consistency." said Arun Lal, who fetched some data from his laptop, (with Angry Birds sticker all over it) before accidently making an eye contact with Virat Kohli, who took it personally. "He was furious and whispered something like 'Ben Joe', which I failed to understand." informs our imported reporter.
Although CCTV footage later exposed that Arun Lal was actually reading an article titled 'New species of masked, red breasted bird found in Kerala', he inspired team India. "I will never bowl those deliveries with 5wides written on it." An emotional Ashwin said, while cleaning nose with Chawla's flower-designed hankie.
Dhoni arrived later with a scientist, sacked by Ashok Leyland, who bears a resemblance to the view of stumps from point region. Dhoni then stunned everyone by disclosing the invention of voice-based programmed coin which would respond to his call at the toss. As Dhoni started explaining with 'well, of course', Gambhir was seen poking Chawla, who was sitting on his off side, holding a plastic Tiffin box containing pizza and welsh rarebit with extra cheese.
The good news for India and its supporters is that Suresh Raina is all set to debut as an umpire. "Anyway, umpires during Ind vs Pak were no better than his nephew, so we have made the decision considering his umpiring talent and batting form." N. Srinivasan said, while trying to reveal his lost-in-fat dimples. When Ravi Shastri got a feeling that it was impractical, he further explained "Poda dei! It's a complex procedure and a minor tweak in law. When Flintoff can switch to boxing, why can't Raina be an umpire?"
When Sandeep Patil urged Indian players to be calm and composed, Duncan finally spoke out saying "yeah." However he seemed upset about having forgotten his sunglasses at hotel rest room, while washing his emotionless face, soon after smiling-practice session. Viru was seen napping openly on VVS Ashwin's shoulder, where as Rohit ingeniously used sunglasses (Gifted by Duncan when he returned not out (4*) with a SR of 400 during 2nd T20 against Pak).
Meanwhile Dinda was honing his jumping skills at SG Athletic Assoc of Bengal, when experts confirmed that his jump produces enormous speed. "I was adjusting my headband when Dada asked me if I wanted to be an Indian Mohammed Irfan. For a moment I thought Dada was behind Irfan's breeding. Haha." Dinda said mockingly. "Later Dada sent me to his Academy. "They are right; I jumped 2ft higher and bowled a pitch-drilling missile of 140.01 kmph just before u came." He told our reporter in disbelief.
The bad news for England is that, their recent record in India is pitiable. They lost 6-1 in 2005-06 and 5-0 in both 2008 and 2011.
Above all, they have bowlers who break non-striker's stumps more often than striker's and who are known for slip-killing deliveries. Their middle order batsmen remind their supporters of Aryabhatta and make them wish their not-so-legendary batsmen too were born in his era.
Even good luck, self-confidence and South Africa cannot save England.