The Boston Celtics have been on the receiving end of less abuse than Hillary Clinton for her concussion, flu, and blood clot. And, the Celtics suffer only apathy, softness of heart, and colorful sneakers.
If the Celtics were liberal politicians, the Fox Network would be shipping them out to Afghanistan for hardening.
If basketball had a fiscal cliff, Danny Ainge would be dangling off the precipice with one arm and holding onto the rest of his Big Three with the other.
If Ainge had anyone worth trading, they'd be traded already.
If the Celtics had the Red Sox medical team as their doctors, the entire team would be in therapy and on the DL.
If Jeff Green were the new Carl Crawford, he'd be a bad fit in Boston.
If John Boehner were an opponent of the Celtics, he'd be telling them to: "Go 'f' yourself."
If the Celtics players make over $400,000 per year, they just had their taxes raised-and fans would applaud.
If Kevin Garnett is the Fearless Leader of the Celts, that makes Rajon Rondo the new Boris Badenov- and Avery Bradley becomes Rocket J. Squirrel.
If the Celtics were an official government document, they'd be President Obama's birth certificate.
If the Celtics were an ice sculpture from First Night's celebration, they'd be a puddle on the TD Garden parquet floor. The ice sculptures have more drips than the Celtics.
If the playoffs started tomorrow, the Celtics would be in the lottery.