Written by John Langlois
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Saturday, 29 July 2006

image for Auburn Football Announces "Fear the Dumb" Campaign
We Fear After the Dumb Even More

Auburn, AL - Auburn University's Athletics Department announced today a program that has taken their alumni by surprise. Following last year's 4th victory over an injury riddled Crimson Tide, Alabama Fans seemed to be upset when Coach Tuberville held up 4 fingers after Auburn's victory. Auburn fans immediately jumped on the moment and began their "Fear the Thumb" campaign with posters, T-Shirts and bumper stickers. The idea being that the thumb would be indicative of a 5th win.

Hoping for a 5th consecutive victory over arch-rival Alabama through the "Fear the Thumb" campaign, Auburn supporters could not understand why the school trustees changed the name to "Fear the Dumb."

"Hey, we did really good getting the guys to use all 4 fingers. Counting on their hands is an acquired skill here," he noted. "Many of our engineering students can count to ten." "Others can read Dr. Seuss and a few can even recite poetry such as the "Oscar Mayer Weiner Song."

"What the hell do they mean "fear the dumb?" asked a miffed supporter. "Only an idiot would change it to that."

In explanation, a school spokesman said the logic followed by the board of trustees was as follows:

1). Everyone knows our players really aren't that bright.

2). What we are really afraid of is what comes after win number five.

3). Since our players have trouble counting on both hands we are fearful that they may use another appendage to show the number six. Some of our guys are so well endowed that they could even make six and a half.

4). We thought "Fear the Dumb" was a good replacement because if the NCAA asked us to document our claims, we can really back that one up.

"We have players that can't keep their mouths shut about under the table goodies, free grades, no-show jobs and cash happy pro-football scouts. The alums know that. Why should this campaign upset them?" a spokesman pointed out.

"Besides, it's going to drive Alabama nuts for us to beat them to the punch on pointing out how dumb we are."

In Tuscaloosa, an Alabama spokesman said with a wry smile, "How can you argue with such success?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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