Written by Simon Saunders
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Thursday, 22 November 2012

image for Aussie Cricketer Smashes Up Dressing Room, Again
The latest dressing room to get a "Christianing"

After demolishing a third dressing room in recent weeks, Australian international cricketer Daniel Christian has been suspended by his state team South Australia.

His latest violent outburst was thought to be as a consequence of another poor performance by Christian but he's now revealed the real reason behind his temper tantrum.

Christian told reporters, "It's not my poor performances or the teams disappointing run that made me lose my rag again. Frankly I've come to the conclusion that I've wasted my life playing this stupid game. I've had enough of all the daft terminology. Googlies, leg-breaks, silly mid this silly mid that. It's all a bloody waste of time. No-one takes cricket seriously. You can stick the game up your arse."

Ironically he is now responsible for a new cricket term, "Christianing." Meaning "to smash up a dressing room in a fit of rage."

He went on to explain his next career move, "I was thinking of watching paint dry at a professional level or maybe becoming an airline pilot. I've always fancied that. To be honest, at the moment, I may just go home and drink myself silly."

Aussie cricket pundit Shane Dunny sympathises with Christian. He said, "I reckon he's frustrated with his and the teams performances. It's understandable really. I used to get quite annoyed when I got out. I even used the word damn once and told a team-mate to "stuff off." I'm not proud of that outburst. He should take some time away from the game. In the cold light of day he'll realise that he's right, cricket is a waste of time but what else can he do? He talks about becoming an airline pilot but imagine if he got his landing a bit wrong. He'd smash the bloody cockpit up. I don't think Qantas would be too happy with that. Stick with cricket fella, that's my advice."

Meanwhile, Sheila Redback, who owns the only company in Australia that specialises in fixing wrecked cricket dressing rooms, is devasted. "It's the only business we've had in years. He's got to keep on playing and getting out cheaply. Selfish bugger."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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