Written by Ossurworld
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Saturday, 20 October 2012

See Spot run.

The New England Patriot playbook has been dumbed down enough for Ochocinco to be able to read, to memorize, and to understand it. It falls into the category of too little too late for the former Patriot, former married man, and former NFL player.

Though Dick and Jane have been out of the reading business for a few generations now, it may be key literature in the Belichick learning canon.

Run, Woody, run. See Ridley run. Run, run, run, Bolden.

Without Tom Brady throwing on every play, or even every other play, the Patriots did some fancy footwork in their winning efforts. Tom can't be expected to read and to run every play in the book. Last week he read that wristband like it held instructions for the Heimlich Maneuver. He kept looking for the play page for CPR.

In Seattle, they Patriots looked like they were too illiterate to understand Josh McDaniels and his form of literacy. As a result, Russell Whatchamacallit started to look like Bart Starr. We fear the speed-reading rate for Tim Tebow (or even his fellow bellhop Mark Sanchez in the NFL hostel to the stars) may be when the Jets show up Sunday.

Tebow is a notorious disabled learner with dyslexia. For him the Belichick playbook may look like the libretto for Turandot.

Moving the ball without a huddle, however it occurs, makes the fans giddy, especially when it happens in non-stop attacks for five first downs across the field. It makes Brady an observer who will live to play another day.

With precision that is often required of brain surgeons, Brady fascinated the faithful with his performance against Denver, reading like I.A. Richards, not Y.A. Tittle. He called plays so interestingly that his mike was turned up on the televised game. We could hear him calling for whiskey and rice pudding.

If the whiskey pudding plays don't make this week's playbook, we may be playing for time. If the Jets win, the Patriots may have a hard time proving their literate aptitude to football fans everywhere.

If another loss bites Spot in the wrong spot, we shall say loudly, "Run, Tom, run." There is a lynch mob right behind you.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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