DETROIT, Michigan (ABSNN) - The Detroit Tigers showed no mercy to the merciless New York Yankees last night. The score of the game is unimportant. What matters is that the Yankees are down to their last nine innings of baseball this season. Their poor performance is what brought back from the dead the shade of George Steinbrenner. And George was mightily pissed off, too!
"I'll get these candy-assed pansies fired up to play baseball New York Yankee style," said the ghost as he donned a 1950's vintage Yankees' away gray flannel uniform.
"I brought along some old Yankee friends," said Steinbrenner.
This reporter knows that what he is about to reveal will cause many to believe that I've taken leave of my senses. However, at that point in the already weird press conference, the ghosts of Mickey Mantle, Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, and Roger Maris joined Steinbrenner on stage.
"Where is Whitey," asked Mantle, referring to his old buddy, pitcher Whitey Ford.
"He's still drinking with Billy," Roger Maris answered.
"No worries, Mick," said an in-his-prime Babe Ruth. "I can pitch as well as Ford."
At just that point the noise of two, or more, men singing pornographic limericks was heard in the ante-room of the clubhouse.
Momentarily, the shades of Billy Martin and Whitey Ford entered arm in arm singing the following song:
Who replaced the DiMaggio prick.
His knees were for shit,
But the fucker could hit,
And his humor was awfully sick.
"We're here Steinbrenner. What the fuck do you want," asked Billy Martin.
"I don't have time to play your childish games, Billy. And you ain't the greatest second baseman who ever played Yankee ball. But you were a half-way decent coach and you'll be the skipper tonight against Detroit," said Steinbrenner.
"OK, you heard the boss. The five of you and me will play tonight against the entire Tiger club. We'll be a bit shorthanded in the infield, but if Whitey does his job, the Tigers won't be hitting anything anyway," said Martin as he gathered his team together.
"How do you feel about playing tonight, Lou," I asked the ghost of Gehrig.
"Today, I feel like, the luckiest…est…est man in the universe…erse…erse…"
We will keep you informed.