Written by Simon Saunders
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Monday, 15 October 2012

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Harrison has made the wise decision to hang these up for good. Thank God.

Former Olympic gold medalist Audley Harrison has decided to retire after yet another embarrassing performance in the ring.

His "fight" with British and Commonwealth heavyweight title holder David Price lasted a pathetic 82 seconds before Harrison wilted like a sad little flower in the desert.

Harrison, who gave himself the laughable nickname "A-Force", is regarded by most boxing fans as "A-Farce" after his last few so-called fights.

After his latest pummelling, "Fraudly" as some have called him, has wisely decided to ring the bell on his "boxing" career.

After recovering his senses and retrieving his teeth from the canvas, he told us, "That's it for me. No more boxing. I was hoping that if I won this one I could get a fight against one of the Klitschko brothers. Obviously that isn't going to happen now."

Harrison briefly paused to take a whiff of his smelling salts before telling us his plans for the future. "I've had an offer from my local councils road and traffic department about becoming a speed bump. I've got all the credentials required. I'm big enough and I've perfected the art of lying motionless on my back."

Rumours that Harrison was set to appear in the new "Paper Bag Prize Fighter" series have been denied by the man himself citing the possibility of receiving a nasty paper cut as the reason for him not signing up.

He said, "I might get a paper cut between my fingers and it might get infected. I'm giving it a miss. It's too big a risk."

One man who is disappointed at Harrisons retirement is former England cricket all-rounder and Aussie basher turned boxer Andrew "Freddie" Flintoff. He was keen to fight Harrison in the new year claiming he could beat him wearing his batting gloves and a blindfold.

Harrisons retirement will be no great loss to the ever declining British heavyweight boxing division even though the overall standard is lower than a midgets centre of gravity.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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