Written by Ossurworld
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Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Bobby Valentine slipped on a Big Apple peel in New York City just as the season was going down. No, it was not a sneak attack from the Yankees. They don't need to resort to terrorist attacks on the Red Sox this season.

Valentine fell head over heels into a ditch where two French tourists with umbrellas found him. As Bobby V told his press conference, he fell off his bike "literally." He was reading a text message from Dustin Pedroia at the time.

Apparently this is how they do it around here. You don't fire the manager; you arrange an "accident." Bobby didn't mention whether he found Jimmy Hoffa in the ditch with him.

Though we urge teenagers not to drive and text, we generally understand they are actually driving a car and sexting when catastrophe hits.

Bobby was on a bicycle and communicating with his second baseman. We doubt sexting was involved, though we might drive off the road too if we received one from Dustin.

Fortunately, Bobby was wearing his helmet and was no worse for the wear. Those unsightly skid marks on his knees came from the accident.

Since the season began, Bobby likes to bike to the ballpark. It clears his head of baggage and stress, like the onerous collapse of a team traveling past 90 losses at 90mph.

Like Humpty Dumpty, Bobby V had a great fall. The end result later this week is that Red Sox ownership will not call on their armies of soldiers and horses to put Bobby together again.

When Valentine is removed from his perch as manager, he will be given a bike ride back to ESPN. Pedroia will not have texting privileges.

Valentine's reign as King Lear of the Red Sox is now nearly over, almost cut short by the kind of accident that nearly ended the literary career of Henry James. Just call it another turn of the screw.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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