Written by Simon Saunders
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Wednesday, 3 October 2012

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Kevin Pietersen preparing to send provocative texts to Indian players

Controversial South African born England batsmen, Kevin Pietersen, has reached an agreement with the ECB that will see him return for the tour to India.

The "provocative text" saga which has rumbled on since the summer series against South Africa appears to be at an end after Pietersen publicly apologised for his numbskull behaviour.

"I'd like to take this opportunity to apologise to my team-mates, all England supporters and the ECB for the situation over the last two months," Pietersen said with his fingers crossed behind his back.

The controversy erupted after Pietersen sent text messages to some South African players believed to contain derogatory descriptions of the then captain Andrew Strauss and coach Andy Flower.

Pietersen is alleged to have called Strauss a "simpleton" and a "bald git with no personality," and Flower a "small headed dimwit with a stupid hippy surname."

Unconfirmed rumours claim that Pietersen also sent some inappropriate sexy photos to a number of South African players.

The snaps are alleged to contain one in which Pietersen is naked with the handle of his cricket bat covering his middle stump and another where Pietersen is playfully juggling his balls with a suggestive look on his face.

Andy Flower will determine the timescale for Pietersens gradual reintegration. It is believed that to begin with Pietersens arms will be allowed to participate in training sessions, followed by his legs, his body, his head, and finally his massive ego.

Most England fans will be pleased with Pietersens return although it remains to be seen how long it will be before he is the centre of another self created and needless row.

However, it is unclear how his team-mates will react to his return. One England insider who wishes to remain anonymous reckons some of the players would rather be repeatedly hit in the groin by 95 mph Dale Steyn full tosses than play alongside Pietersen again.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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