Written by Craig Leslie
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Topics: NFL, NBA, nhl, NBA strike

Monday, 24 September 2012

Coming fresh off lockouts with the NBA and NFL, fans are enjoying a change as the NHL enters it's second lockout in 9 years. After two years of millionaire NFL and NBA players arguing with billionaire NFL and NBA team owners, fans are being refreshed with a more relatable problem, as thousandaire NHL players argue with millionaire team owners.

"I can really relate with the players this time around" said Steven Scheffer, a Florida Panthers fan and data entry clerk who makes a wage comparable to an average NHL player. "It's not like those NBA and NFL players who actually make a lot of money. These guys' wages are figures I can actually wrap my head around."

After the Collective Bargaining Agreement expired on September the 15th, players began to wonder how they would pay the leases on their rambler homes and mid 2000s 4 door Sedans. This problem has sprung urgency among the players, many of whom live paycheck to paycheck, to get a new deal going to keep their 5 figure salaries coming in.

"It has been really tough for both my family and I." stated Sidney Crosby in an exclusive interview with The Onion. Crosby, Center for the Pittsburgh Penguins and one of the highest paid players in the NHL, was recently forced to take on a part time job. "Some people don't sympathise because they think we make enough to miss a paycheck or two. Do they know what sport we play?" When asked if he is bothered by fans who try to get autographs when he is on the job he chuckled and responded "Autographs? Dude, I play hockey. No one has any idea who I am." The interview was cut short when Sidney's boss, 22 year old Kinko's Manager Andre Larson, informed him the printer was jammed yet again.

With negotiations continuing, most NHL analysts, who make a salary comparable to a Pizza Delivery Driver, are expecting the revenue sharing to end up a 50/50 split between players and owners. Owners have made it clear they want to cut player salaries by up to 15%, these cuts would put over half of NHL players under the cutoff point for welfare benefits.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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