Written by Ossurworld
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Topics: Red Sox Nation

Monday, 17 September 2012

The Red Sox became officially eliminated yesterday from winning the pennant. They can win every game every day for the rest of the season-and Bobby Valentine will still be fired.

This is news to players now on a new team in Los Angeles. It looked to them like the Sox were eliminated in late August when the high payroll took a private jet to Dodger Stadium.

This is news too to the dozen players who met with ownership in July and demanded the manager be sent to the guillotine.

Josh Beckett's diet of chicken wings is in direct correlation to the possibility of Red Sox elimination, and his appetite has been severely curbed since changing time zones.

David Ortiz thought the team was officially eliminated when he decided to take a powder in mid-July.

Alfredo Aceves stripped off his jersey two weeks ago, thinking that was the end of the season.

Daisuke Matsuzaka thought the team had been eliminated in September of 2011 for the next two years.

Daniel Bard figured the Sox were out of contention when he became a starting pitcher.

Fans who stopped coming to the sold-out games in July may be shocked to hear the mathematical certainty has arrived later than expected.

Bobby Valentine has dismissed the new math as a misuse of statistical deviation.

According to the Red Sox computer that tells all and determines fates of players and manager has indicated that the Red Sox are also officially eliminated for 2013.

The front office denies that there is any connection between selling the team, the park, and the sports network, as a package has anything to do with the mathematical iron curtain.

Down in Foxboro, Coach Bill Belichick was asked if the Patriots lost their game in honor of the Red Sox lost season.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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