England played out a stunning 1-1 draw in front of a packed Wembley stadium against the Ex-Soviet powerhouse that is the Ukraine. After the success and euphoria of the Paralympics and Olympics, English football took it upon themselves to remind Britain how to look pathetic at sport.
The Ukrainians - who are more famous for nuclear disasters and racist outbursts from their coach - looked resplendent in their blue and yellow shirts. It made them look like sweets; sweets that were able to run at speed and not get sticky when they got wet. Quick incisive passing and movement cut through England like a truckers knife to a prostitutes throat.
England's zimmer frame brigade in the middle of the park spent more time wondering what the man shaped blurs whizzing around them were than they did with the ball. That's called running Steven.
A full drugs test was ordered but apart from Roy's Alzheimer's medication (Lampard and Gerrard in the middle? Still?) no drugs were found.
A team effort to be as inept as possible was disrupted by the introduction of Welbeck and Sturridge. These two were obviously not in on the joke and did their best to re-float England's Titanic because it had hit a ice berg. A Ukrainian shaped iceberg. We think you get the picture.
They succeeded in steadying the ship and with them at the helm forced a confused Ukrainian to think he was playing basketball. And so England was awarded a penalty. Frank Lampard (who looked out of breath during the run up) smashed the ball into the back of the net and was greeted by a couple of thousand people politely clapping.
Back and to the Left News would like to point out that we fully support the England team, but we have a question. What does James Milner bring to the team? Anyone with the answer can feel free to contact us were all ears. Much like James Milner.