Welfare group Samaritans have offered assistance to Cristiano Ronaldo after he refused to celebrate his two goals at the weekend, saying it was due to him feeling sad.
The Real Madrid player didn't specify what exactly is causing his sadness, setting in motion fervent speculation as to what could possibly make the worlds most expensive footballer, making around £300,000 a week, unhappy.
A spokesperson for Samaritans said, "Obviously we all know sadness and emotional distress can affect anyone. Just because you may work at something you love for a few hours a day, and earn astronomical amounts of money, and have a different girl on your arm every week, and have millions of adoring fans...sorry what was my point again?"
Body language expert and psychologist Sue Bliminal PHD observed archive footage of Ronaldo over the past few months, "I'm no football fan but his range of emotions during a mere 90 minutes is rather extreme. If he hits a shot wide for example he wears the expression of someone whose family has just been murdered, yet in the space of a few seconds he may be sporting a super smug, self satisfied smile of a schmuck. He even offers up grey areas of emotion more befitting of a movie star."
She concluded, "Therefore I think it's fair to say that Ronaldo is actually schizophrenic or a multiple personality disorder sufferer." Before adding, "He earns how much? Shitting hell! On reflection I think it's fair to say that Ronaldo is looking for his ego to be massaged by his peers."
In reaction the Samaritans have stated that they believe Cristiano Ronaldo is unwell, otherwise "it would appear he has been something of a mental health tease, in order to get even more money from Madrid and he wouldn't do that....would he?"