Celtic football club has vociferously denied that its players are bored of football now that Rangers have gone to play in the Nether regions of Scottish football.
But an insider has tonight revealed that this is not true. Archie McTaggart, chief goal scorer for Celtic, said. "There's no competition anymore. We got a draw at Hibernian today, but that's not the same as a draw against rangers. We loved getting a draw against them because it made them really angry. But Hibernian didn't care. They thought that was a great result."
"What we need" Said Archie McTaggart "is a team that really hurts when we beat them. And Hibernian are never gonna be that team. I wish Rangers were back. They gave us a purpose in life."
This statement has been denied by Celtic football club, too, and Celtic refuse to admit that they even have a goal scorer called Archie McTaggart. But I know they do because I interviewed him today in a chip shop and he looked well depressed.
But that's the nature of Scottish football. It needs its big two teams to be constantly interlocked in a ballet of dislike for it to work, and now that ballet has fallen apart, all Glasgow is in a state of despair. And the Edinburgh teams just aren't the same for Celtic as Rangers were.
Come back Rangers. Win your fights in the lower leagues, come back stronger, and make Celtic's Saturdays worthwhile again. Only then will Scotland's premier league come alive, and Scotland will once again have the most exciting football league in the entire universe.
By Katarina Frogpond.
(Celtic Supporter. I thought I'd make that clear. I wouldn't want anyone thinking I was in any way unbiased. Because I am. I'm a Celtic Supporter. Born and Bred. Church every Sunday. Sportscene every Saturday night. That's the way it goes in Glasgow. Not my fault. Blame my Dad.)