Written by Ossurworld
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Topics: Red Sox

Friday, 24 August 2012

If ever a team needed a book entitled How to Win Friends and Influence People, it's the Boston Red Sox. Instead, they seem to have ordered an e-book from Baroness Orczy.

Without any redeeming qualities, the Sox are sinking into the briny deep of infamy in Boston. They need to be rescued before the fate of all villains befalls them.

During the course of a season of baseball, they have gone from unlikeable to despicable. They have managed to burn up any goodwill and toast fans with another two-fisted beer (but only on the road).

The final straw in becoming social pariahs was for only 4 members of the active team to attend the funeral of one of the most beloved Red Sox players in history, Johnny Pesky whose presence at Fenway Park goes from a pole in right field to a statue outside the stadium.

Of course, winning friends or even placating fans is not high on the list for players who make millions of dollars and don't even like Boston.

A contingent of Texas longhorn Rangers dominate the pitching staff. They roll their eyes at Boston's pink hatted Red Sox fans.

If the guillotine were modus operandi of baseball fans, the Sox may rival French aristocracy during the great revolution coming in the off-season. Alas, there seems to be no Red Sox Pimpernel to come to their rescue.

As manager, Bobby Valentine plays a foppish media type with egocentric and eccentric ways by day. He is widely disrespected by players. Could it be that the same aristocrats of the pitching staff who have put a bounty on Bobby's head are those he saves from a terrible fate from angry fandom?

They seek him here and they seek him there, from heaven to hell; oh where is that damned Pimpernel?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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