As far as meaningless preseason games go, the prognosticators and tealeaf readers have gone for bear on the augurs.
With the scandalous Red Sox dominating the tabloid pages, the Puritans of Bill Belichick frown on any senseless sinning. Thus, the New England Patriots have set up stocks on the Boston Common and are ready to enforce the Blue Laws on all sports activity in Boston.
If any player under the Puritan Belichick breaks the rules, he is banished to Smithfield, Rhode Island, where a camp of exiled Patriots practices in secrecy.
Monday night was trial-by-fire football. If Belichick were to run the Boston Red Sox, there would be more hangings than we had at the Salem Witch Trials.
If the Mass. Bay Colony were a theocracy again, the Governor of the Bay State Rollers would be Ayotallah Belichick-and heaven help anyone who smiled on Sunday.
Because of the Massachusetts Blue Laws, over 20 of the likely starters for 2012 could not play on Sunday. Unfortunately no one told Governor Belichick that the game was played on Monday night.
Without the tight ends, the wide receivers, and Tom Brady, the Patriots looked askance as the Eagles flew high overhead and dropped their bombs on the beleaguered Patriot minutemen.
These minutemen lasted about half the game before the coverage proved too humiliating to win. Uniforms (with players still wearing them) were immediately sent to dry cleaners in Philadelphia.
When local intrepid reporter for the Mayflower Compact asked Governor Miles Belichick what he could say for himself after the team lost, Belichick became miles standoffish and told the prissy journalist to speak for himself.
Tom Brady, a Longfellow from way back, promised to shoot his wad's worth next game.