Written by Simon Saunders
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Monday, 20 August 2012

image for Van Persie Sectioned After "Little Boy Inside Me" Ramblings
Van Persie writhing in agony after a vicious tackle from an opponent during his first Doctor versus Patient match.

Manchester United new boy Robin Van Persie has been sectioned under the mental health act.

The shocking news comes after Van Persie claimed a little boy inside of him helps him make hard decisions in his life.

United chiefs are said to be furious with the situation. Especially after coughing up £24 million to get the Dutch hitman. A source close to Sir Alex Ferguson told us, "Fergie is livid. The poor doctor who took Van Persie away got the hairdryer treatment. Then Fergie started ranting that the doctor looked like Arsene Wenger and saying the whole thing was a stitch up orchestrated by Wenger and Arsenal. He calmed down a bit after a pint of whisky but he's still pretty annoyed. Now he's lost Van Persie for the forseeable future he is considering asking Brian McClair to come out of retirement as cover."

RVP's comments were taken literally by the Metropolitan Police who arrested him straight after his first Manchester United appearance under suspicion of unlawful imprisonment. Police searched Van Persie and found nothing so they called in an x-ray machine as they continued to search for evidence. Unsurprisingly the x-rays showed nothing resembling a little boy. Stumped, the cops decided to call in a psychiatric quack. He concluded, after a short evaluation, that Van Persie is as mad as a lorry and should be sectioned for his own good.

We spoke to some bloke down the chippy who knows about this sort of thing and he reckons Van Persie is suffering from stress. He enlightened us with his take on events. "Everyone knows how stressful it is when you're negotiating a multi-million pound, dream transfer to the biggest club in Britain. It's clearly tipped the guy over the edge and turned him into a rambling fool."

Van Persie isn't the first footballer who turned out to be as mad as crazy paving. Everyone remembers former Red Devil Eric Cantona's inexplicable waffling about seagulls following trawlers for a bit of 'ow's yer father.

Kevin Keegan became convinced he was an Austin Allegro for six months during his time at Southampton and was often found reverse parking in the Dell's car park. Also, who can forget lower league striker Phil Stant playing an entire two seasons while standing on his head because he believed it would "prolong his career."

Meanwhile, former Arsenal and England centre-half Sol Campbell told us he wishes he'd had a little boy inside him when he was making the decision to join Notts County as his decision making skills are shocking.

Van Persie is currently being held at Phil Fun's Funny Farm near Macclesfield.

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