It was announced, yesterday, that Manchester United have signed the 14th century artist Raphael Sanzio from FC Munchen Gladbach for an undisclosed sum.
Rover's manager Fergus Alexson was said to be delighted with the team's new acquisition, having beaten a number of bids from at least three other high-profile Premiership clubs.
Sanzio has been assigned the number 7 shirt, but is not expected to take a major role on the pitch due to having died in 1520.
The signing is widely thought to be a reaction against the current view that professional footballers are a bunch of arrogant, over-paid, under-achievers, most of whom are out of touch with their club's supporters. This feeling has been highlighted by the success of Britain's amateur athletes during the Olympic Games, and further by the revelations of 'Cashley' Cole that he was "Deeply insulted to be offered a paltry £55,000 a week" for wandering around a grass field for 90 minutes most Saturdays.
Manchester Rangers are not the first club to try to change the public perception by signing players from fields not normally associated with football; Barnsley signed the playwright Oscar Wilde at the end of last season, and Leyton Orient have had the 17th century philosopher Immanuel Kant on their books for the last two seasons.
The next transfer window is likely to see frenzied bids for the 18th century German composer Joseph Weigl, who is due to be released from French club Paris St Germaine following a disagreement over the tune that's played each week over the sound system during the entrance of the players at home games.
More once our correspondent sobers up.