Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 17 August 2012

image for Brian Urlacher of The Chicago Bears Breaks Up With Jenny McCarthy
Urlacher says he knows he is going to miss the hell out of Jenny McCarthy (shown shaving her legs).

CHICAGO - In what has got to be one of the biggest surprise breakups in recent sports celebrity history, Chicago Bears middle linebacker Brian Urlacher has just kissed Playboy cover girl Jenny McCarthy bye bye.

Neither Urlacher, 34, nor McCarthy, 39, were available to comment on the breakup but a spokesperson for the Bears organization Dresden "Kicking T" Timpanooley did speak to the news media.

He stated that Mr. Urlacher had met with high level executives in the Bears organization and they strongly suggested that they felt that it would be in the team's best interest if Brian would go ahead and dump Ms. McCarthy before the start of the NFL season.

Timpanooley revealed that the organization did not want to play a role in another celebrity/football player carnival like occurred several years ago in Dallas, when Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo started dating Hollywood starlet Jessica Simpson.

The spokesperson went on to note that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones had gone on record as stating that Simpson became a jinx.

He pointed out that once Tony began his relationship with Miss Simpson it started to affect his playing and his interceptions went up 19 percent, his fumbles went up 13 percent, and his overall concentration fell below the acceptable 91 percent level.

Timpanooley expressed concern that Urlacher, although not a quarterback, could have his vigorous play affected simply because he would have to pay lots of attention to his high maintenance girlfriend, the sexy, sultry, and tremendously sensuous Jenny McCarthy.

SIDENOTE: Reports are that Brian's maid, Frapalette Bixbaum, 51, has remarked off-the-record that Brian hated to dump Jenny, but he had to put his physical, mental, emotional, and sexual needs aside and do what was in the best interest of the Chicago Bears, who are planning on going to Super Bowl this year.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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