Written by Sidney Bollocks
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Thursday, 9 August 2012

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Scotland's outspoken and opinionated First Minister, Alex Salmond, has courted controversy by insisting Scotland will field its own Olympic team at the 2016 Rio Games.

Salmond, who is convinced Scotland will have departed the UK by 2016, has insisted that it should follow that Scotland competes at the games in its own right. He told us "Scotland has a proud history of producing great Olympians. Remember Eric Liddell, David Wilkie, Allan Wells, Liz McColgan, Chris Hoy and Rab C. Nesbitt. There are no finer Olympians".

Whilst Salmond may have a case to put, his insistence that the IOC introduce new events to properly reflect Scotland's unique culture, is proving somewhat problematic and meeting with considerable resistance.

An IOC spokesman was quoted as saying, "We have no plans to introduce the caber toss, stone put, Scottish hammer throw, sheepdog trials or drinking a yard of Buckfast wine. If we go down that road, every other country will want its own traditional sports included. The Irish would want gaelic football, the Australians would want cane toad golf and the Saudis would want...erm, no, we won't go there".

Not to be beaten, Salmond has already made moves to establish the All Scotland Lawn Tennis Club and is negotiating with International Cycling Union to stage a Tour de Glasgow.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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