Written by tennisman
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Wednesday, 8 August 2012

image for David Beckham confirmed as derney rider in Olympic Keirin event
Becks at his warm weather derny training camp in Mexico just over the Rio Grande from Lonesome Dove

While many are still stunned about David Beckham's omission from Team GB's football team, it has been confirmed that the former Manchester United and England star has been taking part in London 2012 after all.

However, his role has surprised many.

As velodrome fans have been going wild at the circumference of Sir Chris Hoy's thighs and activitsts have been seen demonstrating at the amount of amazon rain forest sacrificed to produce a tissue supply large enough to handle Victoria Pendleton's tears, Becks has been keeping busy on the very same track used by the cycling stars.

The little derny bike used to pace the riders in the opening laps of the Keirin, an event created originally by drunk japanese businessmen to help get them home after one of the well known corporate evenings out where vast quantities of the beer of the same name were consumed, has been riden all along by our East End, Dagenham born hero.

He offered to take on the role after using a version of the little powered scooter to get around his mansion in Beverley Hills which is so large it consumes most of the landmass of the exclusive city within Los Angeles county.

And that's not all.

Ever keen to do his bit, Beckham has also been seen helping out the groundstaff in the Olympic stadium by smoothing out the sand in the long jump pit after each jump, assisting the mechanics at Eton Dorney by fixing Zac Purchase's broken seat in the double skulls final and also leading the crew to record numbers of hash brown production on the morning shift at the Olympic Park's 'largest MacDonalds in the East End'.

The IOC have denied rumours that a 37th sport will be introduced to the Rio Olympiad for the largest number of different hair cuts seen on one head, an event which our David would surely win a heroic Gold hands down. UK Sport have breathed a sigh of relief as such an event would inevitably eat into, if not consume, all of the £26m funding committed since Beijing to UK Athletics and used mainly to maintain Head Coach, Charles Van Kompany's 1970's retro swept back locks.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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