Written by Ellis Ian Fields
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Wednesday, 8 August 2012

image for Olympics Spur On Local Gymnastic Hopefuls
Gymnastic training camp yesterday

A local playground is the centre of Great Britain's hopes for gymnastic gold in 2016 and beyond.

While groups of yummy mummies and alpha mums look on with pride, toddlers and youngsters barely out of nappies are learning the ropes on the apparatus in the Trafalgar Gardens adventure playground.

Meanwhile, the broken bodies of those who don't make the grade lie moaning and sobbing in their twisted agonies, limbs distorted to unnatural angles, on the grass.

The mastermind at work here is Natalya Lippisenko, a Russian national, who arrived on these shores after the Velvet Revolution. Lippisenko is a former Soviet gymnast and trainer.

"Is only way she learn!" she barks at one mother concerned for her eight-year-old's teeth as her face crashes into the tarmac. The youngster has failed to make a complex manouevre on the assymetric bars.

"In my country, we are taken from home as soon as we walk and given to glorious Red Army trainers for learning basics. Then is on to gulag for intense gym learning for years until ready for international contest.

"Here is soft. Too worried for broken bones and pretty faces - bah! How you win olympic gold without breaking leg in three places after missing vault or castration on pommel horse?"

Seven-year-old Minnie, a hopeful for the floor exercises in Rio, said: "I want my mummy!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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