The Great Britain Olympic team was said to be "in tatters" this morning after news emerged that the result of a random drugs test carried out on Her Majesty the Queen after Her opening ceremony parachute jump, had turned out positive.
The Queen could be seen leaping out of a helicopter alongside James Bond during last Friday evening's curtain-raiser, but, because the spectacle falls under the auspices of the International Olympic Committee, drug testing could not be avoided.
The substance, Corginol, is relatively unknown, and much less spoken about, due to its reputed source. The Queen was found to be "well over the limit".
Palace officials have acted quickly to defend Her Majesty, saying:
"There was nothing wrong with the jump executed by Her Majesty, and the allegations of substance abuse are unfounded. If they do turn out to be founded, we will cover them up, and make all the people responsible for their founding disappear as if they had never been born."
The Queen, Herself, was said to be "not amused".
A GB team member who did not wish to be identified because he didn't want to disappear as if he had never been born, said:
"It's disappointing after all the hard work the squad and its coaches have put in over the last four years, to then have some lout drag the country's name and good reputation through the gutter by jumping out of a helicopter in such an undignified way, and to then be found to have been substance-abused - well, one doesn't quite no how to react, does one?"