David Sullivan, pornagrapher-in-chief at Wet Sham United, have dramatically announced the club will no longer play football in an attempt to get the taxpayer funded Olympic Stadium and £40 million of free council tax money from Newham Council.
Speaking through an interpretor (Karren Brady) Sullivan told a news conference that the 'hammers' weren't very good at football, apart from a year or two in the sixties when by complete fluke they produced three England world cup winners - Bobby Moore, Geoff Hurst and Martin Peters. Recent years have seen promotion followed by relegation followed by promotion and relegation.
"After seeing the success of the Olympics at the shiny new stadium last summer, we came to the conclusion that there are too many mediocre football clubs in London, and we will never attract 80,000 fans paying £95 a ticket to watch us kick a ball about - especially with an athletics track between the fans and the pitch. So we've decided to jump on a bandwagon and run around the track, toss a few cables and jump over a few bars. What could possibly go wrong?" said the crafty cockney.
The new regime will see football manager Sam Allardyce sacked and replaced by (Lord) Sebastian Coe. Fans hope new signings might include Jessica Ennis, Mo Farah, Perri-Shakes Drayton, plus overseas signings Usain Bolt, Tyson Gay and Yohan Blake.
The chairman refused to be drawn on a bid for Oscar Pistorius, and whether he picked up his gun when on a trip to Green St last summer to buy £1 fish.