Lord Coe has today revealed the secret behind Team GB's amazing recent gold rush at the Olympics - a decision taken last Tuesday to add the choice of a traditional fatty English breakfast to the athletes menu.
"It's the only logical explanation, the breakfast fry-ups have made the difference," said Lord Coe speaking from Team GB's Olympic Village hotel where he was helping kitchen staff to throw away into rubbish bins all of the fruit juices and breakfast cereal.
"All of these rubbish foods are no longer welcome here in Team GB's hotel," he said. "From now on the only breakfast foods entering the mouths of our athletes will be thick fatty sausages, streaky rashers of bacon, eggs, though definitely not poached or scrambled, just fried sunny side up, and thick slices of lard fried bread."
Seb was asked by Team GB's chef whether the tomatoes were to be thrown away as well. "No," he replied, "but if any of our athletes want tomatoes included on their breakfast plates make sure to serve them up
fried and dripping with fat."
The decision to serve Team GB athletes with fried food dripping with fatty lard was taken on Tuesday following a health and safety issue brought to the attention of Olympic officials by BBC television's sports presenter Clare Balding. Seb explains,
"Had it not been for Clare we'd still be struggling to pick up the odd bronze at these Olympics. Clare likes a double helping of cod n chips for her breakfast," he explained, "and so at the crack of dawn each day she's been going along to buy herself cod n chips from the 24-hour fish and chip shop in the Olympic Village. On the way back to her hotel with her breakfast around 5am Tuesday morning she was passing the tall Olympic cauldron when suddenly a frying pan and some rashers of streaky bacon fell onto the ground in front of her only just missing her head. When Clare looked up she saw that a Chinese looking girl was high up the cauldron by the flames. Clare says she's certain the person she saw was Miss Ye Shiren.'
'I put two and two together as soon as word reached me about Tuesday morning's incident," says Lord Coe. "Clearly the Chinese athletes are being served up things like rice and noodles for their breakfast over at their hotel. Miss Yiren had obviously read about the famous English breakfast back in China and was determined to try it once she'd arrived on British soil, possibly sneaking out to pick up a cheap frying pan, some bacon and so on from the shops not far away in Leyton, then each morning she's been telling her coach she's off to do some early morning training but in fact she's been making her way over to the cauldron then climbing up it to fry herself a traditional English breakfast over the Olympic flame.'
'It's not rocket science," said Seb, "it explains how Miss Yiren has been winning so many gold medals in the pool and taking 5 seconds off her previous best times."
"We've turned the gas up now," he said, "so there shouldn't be any athletes from the other nation's teams trying the same trick. We've turned it up from gas mark 2 to gas mark 9. Anyone who climbs the cauldron to do themselves a fry-up from now on will find their bacon and sausages burned to a crisp as soon as they place the pan over the flame....and we've sent the army chaps out to buy up every packet of lard from the shops around here just to make sure," he added.