Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 23 July 2012

image for Penn State To Sell The Joe Paterno Statue
Penn State has been ordered to change their Nittany Lions nickname. (Photo by Ndamukong Suh).

UNIVERSITY PARK, Pennsylvania - A spokesperson for the highly scandalized Penn State University has just confirmed reports that the school board of directors has voted unanimously to remove the 7-foot tall, 901 pound statue of former head coach Joe Paterno located just outside of Beaver Stadium.

The statue which was unveiled in 2009, has become a negative focal point of angry, bitter discussions some of which have escalated to the point of childish ranting, bullying tactics, and in three isolated instances fisticuffs.

University spokesperson Calhoun "Lips" Lippalino stated that the school has received tens of thousands of angry letters, emails, text messages, and phone calls demanding that the statue be taken down.

One individual even went as far as to say that if the statue is not removed by July 28, he will personally burn it down.

The individual, who has been identified as Tobias "Bitter Mouth" Snickerwick, 29, has been forced by Pennsylvania law enforcement officials to enter into The Henry and Betty Ford Rehab Clinic in Los Angeles for a 12-week stay.

Lippalino informed the throng of media reporters that at first the statue was going to be hauled off and dumped in the Atlantic Ocean.

But he explained that the cost would have been much too high. He then said that it was suggested that the statue be given to a local day care center, but of course that was without a doubt one of the stupidest ideas imaginable.

Lippalino pointed out that the Penn State home economics professor who suggested that lame-brained idea has been terminated and told to clear out her personal belongings from her office immediately.

School officials refused to mention the professor's name and explained that it was really nobody's business.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Well wrong again Penn State folks. It is everybody's business and I made a couple of phone calls and learned that the home ec professor is 61-year-old Estella P. Quackingbush, who allegedly had a one-sided, unrequited love affair with Coach Paterno.]

And amazingly enough at the suggestion of one of Penn State's campus janitors, Kydell "The Mop" Crackenbock, the statue will be sold to the North Korean Government for $615.

North Korean authorities were contacted and stated that they will be melting down the statue just as soon as they receive it and fashioning it into a usable missile.

SIDENOTE: The NCAA has issued a statement that they have instructed Penn State University to legally change the mascot nickname from the Nittany Lions to the much more politically correct and highly appropriate Nittany Lying Lions.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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