Following the rather embarrassing, humiliating, and farcial non-event of the Boxing Championship last week, held on board a Barbary Coast pirate boat in the Mediterranean, and licensed by the Lithuanian Boxing Federation Board, between Bidney Sollocks and Cockinch-Smalls, Mr Sollocks has issued a challenge once again to Cockinch-Smalls.
He communicated with Smalls via the phone, saying:
"Now then cobber... bein' as we made over 54p each from me last challenge, I thought I'd issue another one, for a Chess Championship Match between us both? For the Spoof Chess Championships Inaugural Competition... eh? Good innit? I've already spoke with S Koob who's willing to be adjudicator/referee (For two cases x24 of 'The Governor', 3.8% abv All Malt British Beer from JW Lee's Greengate Brewery), and Lynton is prepared to act as the Adjudicator's Referee......... (For a French-Peruvian Phrase book, a giant box of Tetley's tea-bags, and three bottles of Jenssen Arcana Cognac).
Cockinch-Smalls agreed without any comment.
Although FIDE 'The Fédération Internationale des Échecs' or 'World Chess Federation', refused to sanction the competition, due to neither competitor knowing how to play chess, they managed to obtain authorisation from Bidney Sollocks next-door neighbours bona fide Dingo to go ahead.
The competition took place in a fire-bombed cinema in Nottingham, admission to cost 15p. With the proviso that ticket costs will be refundable in the event of the competition taking more than 12 minutes, Cockinch-Smalls croaking out in the middle of it, or Bidney Sollocks dropping on of his famous (but horrific) emmisions of wind from his anus, on stage.
Internationally famous Spoof reporter, R Gagger interviewed the contestants before the match started. Why R Gagger was wearing football boots and a 1966 England shirt to do this is yet to be determined.
Translator ArmandArm, the Spoof's world-famous Snow Leopard Trainer, was at hand throughout. As was the Nottingham Benefits Office representative, and three beefy members of the Australian Police Force, Amanda, Joan and Matilda.
R Gagger put down his Rockettes Pro-Dance Cheerleaders Team Magazine, and began his interview with Bidney Sollocks:
"Well Bidney, what made you pick chess as the challenge to Cockinch?"
Bidney: "Did I?" a puzzled looking Bidney replied.
R Gagger: "Yes... didn't you?" queried R Gagger.
Bidney: "If you say so, but... well... I suppose it was less dangerous than Big-Wave Surfing, Bull running, or Writing Spoofs... I suppose!" He picked his nose.
R Gagger: Scratching his lower regions, "Oh... and who do you think will win the championship?"
Bidney: "Well me or Cockinch naturally. I've been studying the game for a fortnight now, and I've come close to beating the amazing 'Chester the Jester' chess playing robot, wot the missus got for our grand-kids in 1992!" He hiccuped, and gazed around him.
R Gagger: Replacing his ear phone that had dropped out of his i-pod, "And you think that will be enough experience to beat Cockinch?" He yawned, and stretched out his arms.
Bidney: "Oh yer, I think so. I said 'Chest' not Chest, but I reckon Cockinch misheard me - God knows what training he's been doin' cobber!"
R Gagger: "How does one play 'Chest' then?"
Bidney: "Dunno, best ask Cockinch that, make sure he's got his hearing aids in though, and don't let his manager the Colonel answer for him either... he's too clever by far!"
R Gagger: Adjusting the volume on his i-pod, "Too clever?"
Bidney: "Yer... he went to school you know!"
R Gagger: "Never!"
Bidney: "Well he uses long words un that dunt he?"
R Gagger: "Yes, I suppose your right!"
Bidney: "I won the toss, so I move first... don't I?"
R Gagger: Furrowed his brow and answered "Yes"
R Gagger moved on blinkingly, to the first-aid room to interview Cockinch-Smalls who was having his impetigo squeezed by the studio nurse, Bruno.
R Gagger: "Can I do your interview now Cockinch?" he asked.
There was no reply, so he repeated the question, and again..
Realising that Cockinch had not got his hearing aids in, he tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention, and asked again.
Cockinch: "Yes, I'm in the queue" he replied as he was putting his hearing aids in.
Crying now, Gagger tried once more, R Gagger: "Can I do your interview now Cockinch?"
R Gagger: "Are you fully ready for the match today?
Cockinch: "Well, I thought Bidney said 'Chest' competition, I thought at first it was for a community chest like wot they got in monopoly! Then I thought it was like a chest comparison thing. I've had mine shaved, polished, un taped some of the flab up! Now they tell me it's a game like draughts but different!
R Gagger: "Well Bidney's won the toss..."
Cockinch: "Hang on, I don't like the sound of that.."
R Gagger: He looks up and explains, "No no you fool! Like footballers toss a coin to see who kicks off!"
Cockinch: "Oh, it's football then? I'm no good at that, mind you I don't know how to play chess either..."
R Gagger: His lips trembled, and he tried once more to explain and get some sense out of Cockinch, "No, I was using a paradigm an example.."
Cockinch: "Oh I've given those to the doctor already!"
R Gagger: A nervous tick developed on both of R Gagger's cheeks. "Eh... er.. You know about the different pieces on the board?"
Cockinch: "Oh yes, I was only kidding. I learn all about chess when I was ten years old... forgot all about when I was twelve years old! I don't really expect to win, but Bidney is such a grand chap I didn't like to turn down his challenge!"
At this point the Colonel burst into the room, demanding to know how much dosh they were getting for the interview, so he could work out his 33%.
When R Gagger explained that he was not paying any fee for the interview, in came the Sheila's and ArminArm, and Gagger departed from the room with a little assistance - we've not heard from or about him since.
As the competitors climbed up the steps onto the make-shift stage, Bidney Sollocks dropped a hell of a loud one from his rear, and this woke up Jo Jag (who was selling Viagra and Magic Mushrooms throughout), and he stood up quickly, lost his balance, and tunbled down into the path of the players, and they all continued back down the steps falling onto S Koob the judge, in an unsightly heap, knocking over his stack of (All Malt British Beer from JW Lee's Greengate Brewery) beer, that rolled into the path of the timekeeper A Bell, who slipped over and cracked his head on the knee of French resident and Aesthetic & Medical Equipment Ltd's Director, Dean and Senior Lecturer at the Ecole Normale Superieure de Paris, referee Lynton Tetley MBA, MS, Ph.D. disturbing from reading the Sun on Sunday, he too lost his footing as he stood up, and joined the others in the heap at the foot of the stage.
The carbuncles and impetigo welts on Cockinch-Smalls' had burst, and the contents mixed with the blood escaping from Bidney Sollocks ruptured piles as they struggled to disentangle themselves from the mass of bodies, and the paramedics donned their oxygen masks and called for back-up.
No officials being left conscious, the Colonel kept his distance, declared the competition null and void, and started an immediate collection for the wounded.