MONONGALIA COUNTY, West Virginia - President Obama was in "Mining Country" speaking before a group of 700 coal miners and their families.
As he spoke in front of The Federal #2 Mine, one of the largest in the state, he said that if he had not been a politician he would probably have been a miner.
The crowd erupted in thunderous applause. He stated that mining is one of the hardest professions in the world next to being a shark dentist.
He told the group that when he is re-elected he will see to it that each and every miner in West Virginia gets a 13 percent raise.
One of the miners, identified as Poindexter "Picky" Diddledunst hollered out if the president could make it a 14 percent raise since he is superstitious about the number 13.
"You betcha. 14 percent it is."
After the meeting the president was asked by Tango Brisket with Sports Territory Magazine what he plans on doing about the NFL situation regarding the tremendous cheating that took place within the New Orleans Saints organization with their so-called "BountyGate" scandal.
The president shook his head and remarked that there has not been a more pitiful, pathetic, piece of pomposity in sports since the Chicago Black Sox Scandal of 1919 and two decades after that the Infamous Boston Braves Baseball's Dipped In Tea Scandal of 1939.
He divulged that he has decided, that due to the severity of the situation down in BayouLand, that he is going to fine the New Orleans Saints organization $10 million.
He emphasized that the entire amount will be placed into The Federal Food Stamp Program which has been running dangerously low for the past five months.
In Other News. Kate Gosselin has reportedly turned down a very lucrative job offer in New Zealand because she did not want to have to be apart from her boyfriend Russell Brand.