Written by Ossurworld
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Topics: Rob Gronkowski

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

The new ESPN Body Issue, featuring your favorite athletes au naturel is coming round the mountain.

Let us be the first to report to those with prurient interest, the results of a nude Rob Gronkowski spread are inconclusive.

Gronk may not get your hopes up. His expectations certainly remain down to earth.

We certainly presume that naked is a natural state for the big New England Patriot Gronk, and he appears to be enjoying his element as the Naked Ape.

Teammates who have met him in the shower may wonder what all the shouting is about.

Those adult film stars he hangs with may be less curious than the average fan. After all, photo shoots without a stitch of clothing is all so yesterday-or at least last night.

If you desire another glimpse of Gronk's twelve-pack abs, you may not be disappointed. He presents more than a dozen angles to study. In some photos he holds a large lollipop strategically, what used to be called an "all-day sucker."

If you want the king size photos, you may be disappointed that nothing is bigger than 8x10. But, we were never good at numbers.

We will promise viewers, not readers, that Gronk does not display his shortcomings in this spread. Big things may still come to those who wait.

A black spot is well placed over a central portion of Gronk's anatomy in a cover photo, but may be surprisingly on the small circumference side. We expected more from Gronk.

However, those buns of steel might cause a vampire to chip a tooth.

As Gypsy Rose Lee, one of the great strippers of all-time, once said, "Always keep a little something secret."

We are here to report that Gronk has taken her advice.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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