Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 10 July 2012

image for Halifax Town sign Wayne Rooney
Rooney will wear whatever shirt he wants, as Halifax don't have squad numbers

Conference North side, Halifax Town, have shocked the football world by signing former Premiership and England striker, Wayne Rooney.

"It was a chance encounter," said Halifax chairman, Dave Breastcost. "I'd been hanging around his local pub for every night since the end of the Euros, when he walked in. Nobody was more surprised to see him than me."

According to Breastcost, Halifax Town lacked something that Manchester United didn't.

"Wayne, or Roonster, as he likes me to call him, has had a bit of a fall out with Alex Ferguson," said Breastcost. "Something to do with his hair. Well, I told him that Sir Alex probably couldn't find Halifax on a map, and there was bugger all chance of us coming up against Manchester United in any competitions. This was more important to him than anything else."

Breastcost has said that there was a nominal transfer fee, somewhere in the region of seventy million pounds for the twenty-four year old.

"Obviously, I'm not bankrolling Halifax Town," said Breastcost. "An outlay like this will be recouped when the club go bust and I sell the ground to Tesco."

Rooney's meagre wage demands of just over a million pounds a week will be raised by selling off the kidneys of the supporters of the club, something they are only too happy to do.

"I've got two kidneys," said Darren Forehead, a life long fan of the club that went bust and reformed in the depths of despair. "I only need one. Although, given the amount of beer I drink, it's going to be a busy little kidney."

Fortunately, Halifax have more fans than all the other non-league teams combined. Not a difficult figure to attain when ninety-seven people watched Vauxhall Motors take on Solihull Moors, and eighty-seven of them were related to the players, and the other ten had turned up by accident by putting the wrong postcode in their satnav.

"It's going to be an exciting season!" said Breastcost. "The sale of Rooney merchandise should keep me in kippers for some years to come!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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