Written by Quentin Muffin
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Monday, 9 July 2012

Braveheart Murray displayed his English credentials against Federer yesterday as he sobbed after defeat and accepted the "oh so nearly" title of runner up in the Wimbledon final. Andy Murray, has been taking a bit of stick recently after his jibe some years back about not liking the English football team. The softies south of the border took this as a personal insult and have littered forums and column inches with invectives against the Scot. "Anybody but Andy" echoed the "Anybody but England" comment made by Murray and, for one grey Sunday afternoon, the English became Swiss.

The expectations were high. It's been 76 years since a Brit, Bunny Austin, had got this far. He ensured the British tradition was preserved by choking the match and warmed the hearts of the crowd when he said to his American counterpart "I say, jolly well played. Your turn to pay for tea and tiffin. Last one to the strawberry punnet is a nancy boy".

It was all going so well for Murray. He soon found himself one set up and in the driving seat when the rain started to fall. How different it could have been if, off court, he hadn't found out that he was English. His parents couldn't have picked a worse time to reveal that they were actually English and had moved to Scotland shortly after Andy's birth to take advantage of free prescriptions, NHS parking, free university education and constant whinging not enjoyed back home. "I always wondered why I hate porridge and haggis and look gay in a kilt," wailed Murray.

From that point on the inevitable happened and Murray returned to the court to get a three set bashing. As Murray clutched the second prize he broke down and claimed the shield for English mediocrity.

Well Done Andy, old sport, you're one of us now!

When Judy, Andy's Mother, was asked to comment on this Volta-face her curious reply was "It's nae fair it's oor oil!" Alex Salmond, Scotland's first minister, sneaked out before the end of the final set and was last seen dancing with relief on Murray's Mount.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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