Written by Simon Saunders
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Saturday, 7 July 2012

image for Jonathan "Call The Surgeon" Woodgate Rejoins Middlesbrough
Jonathan Woodgate's second home.

Former Leeds, Spurs and England centre-half Jonathan Woodgate has rejoined his boyhood team Middlesbrough on a free transfer following his release from Stoke City.

Woodgate has managed to play an astounding 22 games in the last three seasons and 'Boro boss Tony Mowbray reckons he'll be a fine role model to his young defenders.

At a press conference yesterday Mowbray commented, "In the modern game youngsters need to learn about all aspects of football, including how to hobble and being carried off on a stretcher. Jonathan's experience will be invaluable to them. We have booked a bed at the local BUPA hospital for the next three years so Jonathan has already made a large contribution to our struggling local economy.

As if to emphasise his managers point, Woodgate, 32, has already been ruled out for the whole of next season after suffering several broken fingers and a nasty paper cut while signing his three year contract.

Woodgate is the current world record holder for BUPA loyalty points accrued, narrowly ahead of Owen "Ooo me knee" Hargreaves and Michael "There goes me hamstring again" Owen. Both Hargreaves and Owen, also former England players, are in discussions to sign for Middlesbrough as well.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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