RIGEL - Monday, on the as-yet unnamed seventh planet of the giant blue star Rigel, extremely rare circumstances allowing the eventual rise of humanity were set into motion after God, Creator of All Eternity, "lost his robes" at the craps tables during the past weekend spent in Las Vegas, USA.
God, who flew into Las Vegas Saturday morning, told several members of his entourage He was "feelin' it" and, according to one member who wished to maintain anonymity, said, "We had a lot to drink on the plane. Big G (God) can really put the stuff away, so I was surprised the way He was acting when we landed.
"He strutted around like He owned the place. It was embarrasing to see. I mean, who died and made - never mind."
Various eyewitnesses claimed that the Christian deity was seen turning water into whiskey for Himself and the entourage, and that God and His posse were "always the center of attention".
However, as late Saturday rolled over into early Sunday morning, the Lord God, in the throes of an Almighty Buzz, divinely lingered at the craps table well into the red. When He pushed a seemingly limitless pile of chips toward a single roll, He willed Himself to lose the most sacred of field bets.
As dozens of casino workers worked feverishly to recover the Holy Chip Pile, God remarked to the stickman, "So shall it be, My will be done. And someone bring Me a Tylenol, My head is throbbing."
God's reckless adventures at the craps table created a notable event - for the second time in the past five million years, the Lord's unlikely chaotic behavior led to an unlikely chain reaction in the solar system of Rigel; primordial ooze on the surface of the seventh planet was struck by lightning following God's Divinely Inspired crapping out. Rapid changes in the metabolic processes of the mutated cells yielded new multicellular creatures with remarkably humanoid signatures in the fundamental genetic structure - just the sort of thing that only happens to God while rolling the bones.
Deceased physicist Albert Einstein could not be reached for comment.