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Friday, 29 June 2012

image for Owl impression by top female star leads tennis authorities to act
Young women tennis professionals learn anti-grunting techniques at weekend retreat

Following her admission that she has not been grunting on the courts of the professional tennis tour but impersonating her pet owl, Frederick, a well known top female tennis star has blown the lid off the grunting debate that has been dominating women's tennis over the last few years.

But animal impression or not, the tennis authorities have decided to act and do something about the negative effects on the image of the sport caused by increasing spectator disaffection with games' shrieking women participants.

The tour has began by introducing a number of initiatives to stamp out grunting, owl or any other type of bird impressions on the courts.

Immediately, a new Worldwide Grunting Council will be established with representatives from the players, tournaments and national associations. In deference to its' troubled star and Frederick, there will also be bird noise specialists employed to help give players the benefit of the doubt if they can prove that the noises they emit are merely odes to a treasured pet.

There will be an annual Grunting Seminar although a spokesman denied that this will be called 'The Big Hoot'.

As part of their coach education programme, the British tennis authorities will insist that coaches can only gain a licence if they have attended sessions across the country taken by Grunt Coach specialists who will explain how grunting works and what you can and can't coach to the next generation of future female stars.

The tour is also setting up retreats where young women players can be trained in the arts of 'mouse play', a method of playing involving no noise whatsoever, based on professional tennis prior to 1999.

But efforts to stamp out the noise pollution are reaching further afield.

In the UK, the Government will set up a Quango with the responsibility to appoint and manage teams of regulators who will travel around the junior tournaments, like OFSTED inspectors, ranking venues and players on their grunt levels.

University research units will be hired to spend millions on Grunt research leading to many who would formerly have taken up the job of mystery shopper now becoming mystery spectators to fill tennis stadia on a regular basis to test out different levels of grunting from new contraptions, gruntometers, resembling closely the Velociraptor head in Jurassic Park 3.

The web is likely to spawn sites dedicated to the issue; apparently, the domain name for tennisgrunt.com has already been purchased.

When she has retired, the star who has confessed about her pet impressions has promised to switch from poacher to gamekeeper and travel the world counselling young players on her painful descent into the perjoratively labelled title, the Queen of Grunt.

It is hoped that she will be able to resurrect herself in the back end of her career and her new goal is to win the 'Quiet as a Mouse' trophy set up by the Grunting Councils for its' first set of annual awards in 2013.

Frederick the Owl is in good health and rising in the rankings of the the Owl Tennis Tour (The OTT) set up to help the bird pets of other players with over-devotion syndrome, or ODS as it is now known, a condition which manifests itself in young female tennis players taking on the characteristics of their loved pet.

Flat denials have been made to suggestions that attempts by a top British impressionist have been made to get the well know tennis star on his new impression show, to be called Bremner and the Bird.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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