AMERICA-In light of the Miami Heat's victory in the N.B.A. Finals, sports media outlets across the country have been using the guilty verdict in Jerry Sandusky's child molestation trial as the lighter side of the sports news. Media figures have claimed this move is necessary to counteract the universally-negative emotions associated with LeBron James finally capturing an N.B.A. championship.
"It's tough bombarding your viewers with something so depressing like LeBron James hoisting the Larry O'Brien trophy," said SportsCenter producer Rick Angelo. "So it's nice to give people at home a break and talk about a pedophile getting his comeuppance."
Couch potato and sports junkie Kyle Canderbois agreed with Angelo, saying, "All the talk of LeBron's legacy and how every douchebag move he's made over the last three years has just been validated--fuck that shit. If I wanted to be driven to suicide via news report, I'd read "Investor's Daily Report", okay? Just give me a news story about how a prolific child-abuser is going to spend the rest of his life in prison."
"The argument Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith had over whether Sandusky was more likely to be shanked to death in the lunch line or die from internal bleeding after severe rectal trauma was the highlight of my year," Canderbois added.
"There's really nothing else to talk about right now," Angelo admitted. "Soccer is pretty fucking lame, and it's only June, so nobody really cares about baseball, and the Olympics aren't for another month, so it's basically LeBron and Sandusky. I mean, we still have to mention how this acquittal will never undo the psychological trauma Sandusky inflicted upon those kids, nor will it repair the tarnished reputations of Joe Paterno or Penn State football, but a break from nonstop doom-and-gloom is always welcome."
"Frankly, Sandusky getting acquitted probably would have improved people's spirits too," Angelo admitted. "I think nuclear war would have cracked a few smiles as well. I mean, LeBron "I'm-taking-my-talents-to-south-beach" James being named Finals M.V.P.? Just saying that made me vomit in my mouth just now. Pretty much anything seems awesome next to it."
A recent analysis of transitions used by sports reporters shows that the phrase "In lighter news" was used over 80 percent of the time when switching from coverage of the Finals to Sandusky's trial, while "Sadly, not everybody got what they had coming to their sorry asses" was similarly used in the reverse situation approximately 90 percent of the time.
"We've actually been running two separate broadcasts-one for Florida, and the rest for the general population. I don't think anyone in the state knows Sandusky's guilty yet," Angelo admitted. "We're gonna have to stop soon, though; all our Florida commentators seem near the breaking point. Trey Wingo tried to strangle himself with his belt this morning."
"It's standard ESPN policy to run an uplifting story for every depressing on," explained Angelo. "Gotta balance out all those Outside the Lines episodes, right?"