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Sunday, 24 June 2012

image for Maria Sharapova To Visit Former Minder - Burnley Man Reg Bond - Ahead Of Wimbledon 2012
Paraffin Pete Down The Pub Yesterday Morning

Globally renowned Russian grunting tennis queen, Maria Sharapova, has announced that she is to pay a goodwill visit to her former minder, Reg Bond, at his shared Burnley B&B room ahead of this year's Wimbledon tennis championships.

"I owe much of my success to Reg Bond," Ms Sharapova said yesterday, as she shared a table at the Dickens Inn in London's St Katherine's Dock, in the shadow of Tower Bridge, with five drunken reprobates who claimed to be failed satirists. "So in honour of my treasured friend, Reg, I shall be flying to Manchester Airport, taking a bus from there to Chorlton Street, and then a bus to Burnley bus station, and finally catching the Harle Syke bus to Duke Bar, where Reg shares a room in a B&B with his mate, Albert Alecan. I expect we'll chat about old times for a little while, then go for a few pints in the Baltic Fleet. I'm really looking forward to it. It seems like ages since I've seen Reg. Anyway, must trot. These satirist chaps are really weird and they're making me feel deeply uncomfortable."

Upon hearing this revelation, Skoob Sports News got right on the blower to our Northern Office Correspondent, Keith Thresh, who hurried to Duke Bar to speak with Reg Bond.

"Oh, Maria's coming round is she?" Reg Bond said casually. "She's a grand lass is Maria. I've a lot of time for her. It was me that taught her how to do that gruntin' thing, tha knows? I told her to be more aggressive on court, so we worked out this gruntin' thing. It were my invention - I told her to imagine she was being forcibly taken from behind by an Arab stallion. That's where that 'YUUURRRRGGH!' thing originated. Anyroad, be nice to see her again. So long as she buds up afore t' pubs open. Tell her if I'm aht when she gets here, I'll be in t' Baltic Fleet wi' Billy Blowlamp and Paraffin Pete. It's Billy's giro day, so we'll be in th' pub soon as t' doors open."

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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