Written by Simon Saunders
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Friday, 22 June 2012

image for Ronaldo Fails New UEFA Smug Test
"Are you taking the piss?" asked Ronaldo. "Yes" said the UEFA official. "That's the whole point of this."

Real Madrid and Portugal talisman Cristiano Ronaldo faces two years on the sidelines after falling foul of UEFA's new smug testing policy.

This remarkable development is sure to take the shine off his night of glory after guiding his team to a 1-0 quarter final victory over the Czech Republic and into the semi finals of the European Championships.

After the match Ronaldo was selected to take the new smug test along with Czech striker Milan Baros.

The test comprises of three simple questions and a urine sample. We have obtained a copy of the questions and Ronaldo's answers.

Question One- What do you see when you look in the mirror?
Ronaldo- Perfection.

Question Two-Are you a better player than Lionel Messi?
Ronaldo- Lionel who?

Question Three- If you were chocolate would you eat yourself?
Ronaldo- Of course I would.

Once Ronaldo had submitted his answers and provided a urine sample a UEFA official whisked them away to a secret facility so the answers could be marked and the sample tested overnight.

We can reveal that Ronaldo's answers and urine sample contained extremely high levels of smugness, considerably more than UEFA regulations deem acceptable.

A UEFA official explained the situation, "Cristiano Ronaldo has failed a smug test. We at UEFA take the issue of smugness very seriously. As part of our 'Anti-Smugness' campaign, and in line with our new guidelines, we intend to impose a two year ban and a 20 Euro fine."

The suspiciously thick-necked Ronaldo has yet to comment on the issue.

However, on the bright side, Ronaldo has managed to avoid a further two year ban after his grease test came back well within acceptable levels.

We spoke to UEFA President Michel Platini and asked him whether he thought the new smug test was a bit over the top. With a French accent, Platini said, " Not at all. Although I wouldn't take the test as I know I would undoubtedly fail and be ridiculed by all and sundry."

For once the football community would probably agree with Monsieur Platini.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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